15.1: What is Love?

Ah, the L-word.  It's one of those things that I've said before, but didn't always mean it...or at least I didn't always understand it.  In high school I said it to two girls.  I've said it to two since.

In high school, I definitely didn't know what love was.  It was just a word.  There gets to be a point in some relationships where you spend a lot of time with someone and...well...what's next?  So you blurt out those three words.  One time I regretted it and when she said, "What did you say?" I thought about lying.  (Unfortunately, I couldn't think of a plausible lie for what I had said instead).  My strategy, then, was to neither admit nor deny: "You heard me," was my sly reply.  Skirted out of that one.

The other girl in high school to whom I uttered those words had gone off to college after about four months of us dating.  Pretty much within the first week she began to get into college life.  She was going to parties and hanging out with other guys.  I didn't love her, but I also didn't want to be dumped.  So, in a poorly-thought strategy, I blurted out those words.  If she was in doubt about breaking up with me, those words definitely convinced her she should.

With the end of high school came slightly--very slightly--more serious relationships.  The next one was a disaster.  It was such a mistake that my college roommate continues to harass me about how angry and depressed the situation made me.  I had gotten to the point where I felt obligated to remain in the relationship.  In this particular situation, she was the one who used those words first: I. Love. You.

Now, come on!  What am I supposed to say to that?  

• "That's nice."
• "Oh, really?"
• "How about that!"
• "That's funny, because I don't feel the same way at all."

For the gentlemen reading, those are all bad responses.  I don't know what would have been a better response, though.  What I did say was definitely not the right thing to say: "I love you, too."  It wasn't the right thing, because it wasn't true.  But I lived with that mistake for over a year.

So, I've written a great deal and done very little to answer the question.  What is love?  I think it's sort of like a patchwork quilt, to use a bad metaphor.  It's a bunch of little things, quilted together.  It's got something to do with devotion, concern, happiness, compatibility, comfort, joy, laughter, hugs, tolerance, compassion, helpfulness....and tons of other things.  It's so indefinite it's like trying to catch a pig: the harder you squeeze it, the more it squiggles out of your arms.  In the case of not defining love, it's a lot easier to list the things it definitely isn't...hence the stories with which I started.